I have been in Colorado for close to a month now and this week I have acknowledged that I have been taking false refuge in distractions because I have lost my purpose. Now before you say, Seriously, she’s lost her purpose? Let me explain. When I started teaching yoga I found a purpose that I never knew I had. I was helping people through posture and breath. Through teaching I connected to women and men of all ages and I gave meaning to the human experience by helping students realize their potential and uncover their true selves.
During that time, I was still a wife, and a mama, and continued with the daily tasks and responsibilities as such. But I lost my self through the work I was bringing to others. My personal practice suffered. I started to get burnt out from teaching all the while still trying to hold myself to the highest standard for my students. Because they depended on me to guide them. But who was guiding me? Where did I go? I am sure there are yoga teachers who have had similar experiences. When I discovered yoga 15 years ago it gave me meaning and uncovered all the layers that were holding me from who I really am. That is what yoga does. That is why I wanted to teach.
And now that I am not teaching, I have realized I need to repurpose. I need to find myself again. To be more than a wife and a mother, (even though I know that is enough in itself) I want to be a friend to myself-to be forgiving, and again uncover the layers that I put back into a cocoon because I wanted to be there to help others. I don’t think that will ever go away-my wanting to help, but I also need to help myself when I need it. I need to let go of the distractions and be on my mat to define my purpose. Yoga has always taught me to accept where I am in the moment. As of late, I have been sad, and lonely. I am navigating a new world and place where I am trying to find belonging. I don’t want to distract myself any longer. I want to feel all of it. Every emotion of sadness, happiness and everything in between. It makes the transition and transformation worth it. I truly believe that we are like butterflies coming out of a cocoon many times over in one lifetime. It’s up to me to stay awake and confront the fear and scariness because when I reach the other side and see how far I’ve come, it makes it all worth it.
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Tiffany (RYT 200®) is a student and teacher of yoga living in Baltimore, Maryland.
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